Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
