Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.