she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours