I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer