I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.