sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.