All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
