It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I need to calm my uterus...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
