Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
