if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
