Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
