I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just cut my nipple shaving
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
