They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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