I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
