Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
