I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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