toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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