seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
