I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
