i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
