I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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