I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
last night I used snow as a chaser
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
