Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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