sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
