Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
