if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
