dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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