I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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