He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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