I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
