i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
