i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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