ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
