I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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