I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
