I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
