she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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