i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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