no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
