Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
