Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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