if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
