"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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