Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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