Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
