I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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