You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize