I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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