I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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