Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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