Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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