I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
