i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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