In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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