More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
