my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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